Thoughts from a 79 year old client

I asked a client to write about his reason for seeking counselling and the journey so far…

I became aware of grumpy old men and bossy, talkative older women in my social interactions. In recent times, chats with them had led to a tight chest, racing heart and a knotted stomach. In hindsight the only things we had in common were our past, and I was reacting to opinions that hurt me.

In chatting with my GP about my low mood she suggested I try therapy, and it turned out be an excellent decision because the two therapists I have used provided an empathetic ear that was so missing in my social interactions.

With the first therapist I learned about the possibility of letting go of “the A-holes in your life!”. The therapist took me through a Mindfulness process (see below). I researched Google and became comfortable with this concept. I practised Mindfulness the moment I felt the tension rising – and it worked. I stopped the sessions when I felt in control, but a year later I found myself trying to cope with a difficult family relationship.

My first therapist had gone overseas and I found Andrea. Over four 1.5 hour sessions I was totally at ease sharing thoughts and feelings that I had not shared with anyone, and knew I was being listened to. In her professional capacity it was so easy to open up and feel totally comfortable and understood.

Discussion with Andrea led to VALUES. By coincidence I attended a writers day where authors were interviewed about their latest book. One was a book I had read about on the computer. The interview was funny, entertaining and hit on a few areas Andrea had been working on. 

Visiting a secondhand book shop the next day there was a near new copy of the book. It was right up my alley. Titled Start with Values – How to Build a Life With Meaning and Purpose by Bradley Hook. It has introspective exercises, insightful anecdotes and practical strategies. It is easy to read and puts a smile on your face (don’t be put off by the introduction chapter!). After working through the suggestions and discussing with Andrea, I now feel much more comfortable and settled in my life.

Mindfulness – the 3-3-3 approach

An exercise for first thing in the morning – repeat each one to yourself 3 times:

1     I choose growth.

2     I act with integrity.

3     I am grateful for 3 things right now (can be just simple things like a nice cup of coffee or more complex things).

4     When I feel …….I will …….. (if-then plan)

5     I am allowed to learn as I go.

These statements program the amygdala to function more positively.

I have been re-reading Matt Heath’ book – A Life Less Punishing. The chapter on Loneliness hit me.

I thought this comment particularly relevant to my situation. “Loneliness does not come from having no people about, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself. If we want the full health and mental wellbeing benefits of human companionship, we need people we can confide in, depend on and trust.”

My two books have many suggestions for joining groups and finding friendship. I sometimes feel that just offers rather superficial contact. In older age that’s where I ran into problems with “old” friends, because I dared to to communicate the things that seem important to me and I got unpleasant/hurtful comments back. Hence I removed the A…..holes from my friends. 

There are people I would like to know better and feel I can trust, but I haven’t found ways (yet) to move beyond the occasional contact. 

Continuing forward, I am part of a local history group, I have established a letter exchange between local older people and a classroom of primary school students, and I take opportunities to talk at a deeper level with people like my hairdresser! I attend plays and events with my wife, and step out of my comfort zone to discuss topics that are important to me with the people I meet there. I stay in contact with old friends and acquaintances by letter and email. These experiences help me feel refreshed and remember my old life, even as I continue to ponder how I can maintain this momentum. 

Here is Andrea’s email reply to my latest email about the social interactions that I have been enjoying.

I'm glad you got a burst of happy interactions and felt uplifted. You are putting yourself in situations and making the most of what's possible when you find yourself in conversation with someone. Keep doing more of that! 

You will eventually have some great interactions that will spark something more sustained with at least some people. And it sounds like all your previous strong connections that you created keep paying off into the present day, and the same will be true of your newer connections.