Where to begin?
“I told myself I wasn’t going to cry…” is a commonly expressed first thought when a new client comes to see me.
It never surprises me, because I know that before you came to talk to me, you were probably holding a weight of some proportion, often for a length of time that was becoming more than you had the stamina for. And so you have beeen feeling the strain.
When the decision is made to seek a bit of support, there is often a readiness to let it all out as soon as possible. It can be a combination of relief, tension, apprehension, nervousness and so much more. You might have just used the last bit of your emotional reserves getting to the front door and greeting a complete stranger (me) while remaining upright!
Things I’m thinking in that moment as your counsellor (and sometimes saying out loud):
this is the perfect place to have a big cry
there’s no need to keep your emotions ‘tidy’ here
take your time, it makes sense to be emotional
there’s no hurry, just breathe for a minute if it helps
this room can hold what you need to put down
I’m here with you, start whenever you’re ready
if you need to get it all out in one go, I’ll keep up with you, and also try to help you pace yourself
the tissues are unlimited, but you are also free to be messy and snotty
you can cry as much, and for as long, as your body needs you to
your nervous system is choosing this for you - crying is an important physical need
“Sorry, I don’t know where to start,” is another common statement, along with “I’m not even sure why I’m here”. I’ll help you through that moment. We always find a thread to get things moving, and it’s often surprising how much value comes from unstructured conversations that end up going in very helpful directions.
Sometimes I suggest a few options for how to begin:
start with how you are feeling today
start with your current life - who and what make up your daily life?
start with a rough timeline of events/your life/the current issue
start with what I can do to help you feel comfortable - do I need to understand something about your culture/identity/values/spirituality?
zoom out to give the bigger picture
zoom in to the main core of the issue or topic
is there a theme that seems to represent what is happening for you right now? (isolation, worry, loss, future/past, anger)
start with whether you have had any previous counselling experiences and what went well or not well
Even though you have come for support, you are the expert on your life, your needs, your hopes and your preferences. You know more about you than I do. In counselling conversations we often ‘meet’ parts of ourselves in the process of sharing what we can put words to, and having the counsellor reflect back what they are understanding.
You don’t need to prepare in any way to come to counselling. Just come as you are.
